gifts

I thought it was you who saved my life
you who opened your door to me
if only to stop my frenzied rapping
but you let me in
all the same

so broken
broken for love
broken for betrayal
broken for desire
broken for my friend

I was different
you liked that
you found me real even as
I began to invent myself
lie to myself so that
I might find the truth

it might have happened then
if I hadn’t been learning how to hate
even so
there was a stirring
a longing
something very much akin to hope

I know the night
the exact moment
your exact words
when I began to love you
I didn’t know
it was the night I began to heal

each day I brought that cup to you
and you sipped of it
the pleasure of it
spreading across your face
I was loving you then and there
bringing me to you

your mind
filled with light
your heart
streaming hope
while mine drank from
dark pools of loss
and sadness
you became my teacher
my hero
still I thought you my savior

the times we talked
about science
books
music
warm moments over coffee
your past
my illusions
our birthdays but a day apart
yet a gulf a years between us
dinners on those days
celebrating your life
my death

and you gave me a story
at first no different than those
already passed between us
but like tiny priceless gifts
each page turned hammered
at the gates I’d built
the pain and love imprisoned behind
night’s black tears escaping into
a sky of daylight blue

asleep in the dark
I held you
danced with you
lived a life with you
I almost missed it
so busy creating myself
but look what happens when you dream

I thought it was you who saved my life
but it was love
my love
gently pulling back a drape
of shadows
while light flooded
the dark chambers of my heart
it was love
it was me loving you more than anyone
has ever loved you
that saved my life.

(for Noreen)