narrative

I’ve cracked the window
to let the dark in
rest my heart
in the stillness that enters with it
rain comes
comes like the footsteps of
an unexpected friend
bringing welcomed news

my new life has arrived
even if it has turned up empty handed
still
that panicked terror
of so many years is absent
I fear nothing
neither living man
nor he who steals life
not even myself
at last
I have become who I am

so let the harlot gods of
my misfortune
titter amongst themselves
I measure tomorrow
for refuge
from today
and will sit quietly should loss
decide to quit me
though I suspect it stays because
it likes my company

but I have learned too of happiness
and its nature
it is a snare
a truss of perverse hunger
that keeps loneliness alive
even when freed of it
it will mock me with its apparitions
of tomorrow
yet I know with nothing to lose
there will be nothing to fear
just how long is dead anyway

thus am I reconciled to my fate
life will run its course
and I will let it run free
though it comes to me that this freedom
from affection may be captivity in disguise
no matter
this narrative of loss tethers me
to my doom
I will be alone
I will not trust
I will not love . . .

. . . and then I kissed her
the lies I invented drowned out by the sound
of my pounding heart
and suddenly I’ve wanted this for so long
she says she’s coming home with me
I ask her if that means what I think it does
she reaches over
gently lays her hand on mine
neither of us says a word
all the way back to my place
for the first time
in a very long time
I am afraid